Guilt is something as a mama I struggle with daily. Am I doing enough for my kids? Will I miss their big music or sport moments? Will they be upset with me if I don’t make it to their big game? Will they feel supported? Do they feel loved they way they need to be loved?
I am a mama that wants to be there for every big moment for my kids and the little ones too. Growing up I didn’t have that kind of support system. I went to a boarding school for under privileged kids and it was hard for my family to support me with my clarinet recitals, singing performances, and swim meets. I was never angry with my family, but I definitely had moments where I felt alone and I don’t want my kids to feel the same way.
Over the last 2 years I have traveled 12 times and have left from 6 to 8 days at a time. While it doesn’t seem like a lot to other families, it’s a lot for this mama. I haven't left my kids more than 2 times for 4 days each time since the first one was born 18 years ago.
My family is so supportive and encouraging to me in all that I’m doing and accepting the risks I’m taking. They are my biggest cheerleaders and what I’m doing is for their benefit and because it makes me happy.
Last year I missed my middle son’s first lacrosse goal while I was traveling to the Midwest. That might not seem like a big deal but when your son is a defender and makes a goal, it really is. Just a week ago I missed my youngest son’s first every goal and I was crushed. When I found out another family recorded it, I was so excited, but it wasn’t the same. Despite missing their big moments my boys handled it so well. They weren’t angry with me, they didn’t even bring it up but boy o boy did I feel that mom guilt.
I was so encouraged by my husband when he sent me this private text that shared how much our family loves each other, how proud of me they are. My oldest even shared about his old mama to his barber, it was a sweet moment.
So, here’s what I know, they love me and support me, and they know that I love them and support them but I should not feel guilt about wanting to follow my dream. My example is one I want my kids to follow.
I want them to know that no obstacle will stand in the way if they want it bad enough and don’t give up.
I want to be their best example of perseverance and determination.
I want to let them know that they can do whatever they set their minds to.
I want more for my kids than I had.
I want my family to know that I would move mountains for them.
I want my kids to know that even when I can’t be there, I am thinking and praying for them.
I want my boys to feel loved and cherished every day of their life by their parents.
All my boys want is to know that we care and when I can be there, I am fully present for them. They want a safe and loving environment and we have created that. While I don’t think the guilt will every go away completely for me, I will keep reminding myself that I am doing better than what I came from and that we love our boys deeply and we hope it shows in abundance!
Thankful for a family that I can love on, be inspired by, and extends understanding over and over again. So, for those of you mamas out there that struggle with guilt, remember, what you created with your family and know that you are your kids best example! You are leaving a wonderful legacy!